Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
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[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..