Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
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To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I am patiently waiting for your email
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.