Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”