Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle