I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
so much to do
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me, in DM rooms…
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough