Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
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Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback