Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
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It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.