Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
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My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
Donkey Kong sommelier
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days