Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
You Might Also Like
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
584.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.