I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
he’s doing your taxes
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.