Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.