Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Something Saturday.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.