ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
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I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now