5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink