“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
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i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!