It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
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Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Alexa, make me look good naked.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*