Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Ironic
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?