Roses are red, you always mattered,
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Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is