I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.