professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
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I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
dictator is short for richard potato
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.