“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache