flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Worth remembering.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.