When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
You Might Also Like
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.