Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
dutch so unserious
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.