Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
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broke down and did it
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Bobby pin
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.