The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
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Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Dear Lord..
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?