You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
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My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.