If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
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A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I laughed at this way too hard.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are