[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
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Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.