I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
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I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Not messing around
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?