The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Message from the dog groomers