I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
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(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I finally found a reason to live again.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.