The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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Wait a minute…
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”