Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
#milo
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
3% human
97% stress
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”