First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
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Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My typo game is string.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I have never related to a cat more
I think this should do it.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?