can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.