I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
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When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
This dude got his own movie?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression