Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust