Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
You Might Also Like
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo