ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
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Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
two people or more is called a problem
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
huge if true: the moon
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.