If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
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Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker