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MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
when you don’t want to be too vague
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.