Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
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Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.