Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only