I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
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Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Meme Monday.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep