“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
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Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Me too, bag. Me too….
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift