Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
But wait…
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Hamburger Hinderer.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
No. YOU-buprofen.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides