10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I need to get some bricks…
Squirrels before girls.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm