I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
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Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.