Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
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me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped